The wall that Shelley built

Anxiety and Depression !!!!!

Gosh this is the first post that I actually feel scared writing, I kind of feel like I don’t know where to start or where to end, so bear with me, im a bit of a hippy too so take from this what you like, be open if you can.

As a child and a teen I remember feeling worried a lot, worried about family and friends, school, my health, the list is endless, I remember being on holiday in South Africa with my parents in my teens and being so worried in a restaurant that was so high on this tall building we had to leave and in Florida being so scared of the rides and if I might die, I feel like I should of been enjoying myself and instead I was worrying.

Both my parents were not worriers, my mum has a lovely attitude to life, she is so carefree and loves life, my dad has a very similar outlook, both enjoy holidays and socializing, to my knowledge neither have ever had any kind of depression or anxiety.

I thought at the time it was perfectly normal but all my friends didn’t really worry like I did, may be for some it is perfectly normal but I know now that I worried way too much for someone so young.

So does that mean I was born a worrier? I’m not so sure, I had a trauma in my childhood and I think that was the turning point for me, although I think that also I am a natural worrier, my grandmother is a worrier too.

I have battled the inner demons of my own thoughts from my teens, I’ve had good years and bad, good days, weeks and months along with bad ones, I have had counselling, CBT, hypnotherapy and I have been offered on several occasions antidepressants.

My anxiety seems to manufacture itself in health anxiety, or for me bodily symptoms.

It’s by far the scariest shit I have ever been through, I try my best to put on the face that people want to see, to be the jokey slightly odd girl people are expecting, it doesn’t work all the time.

So I will tell you my experience with all the things I have tried, just because something has or hasn’t worked for me does not mean it won’t work for you, I just hope I can help you to try something slightly different or to open your eyes to other therapies.

As you will be aware if you have read my previous blogs I was a very young mummy, just 16 with my first child and 19 with my second, I had a rocky start in love too, I married young and it didn’t work out, I think my depression had already started I was just so busy with two little ones to really take any notice of myself, something I became very good at, I defiantly came last in order of priority always.

The first time I visited the GP I was a little way into my second marriage, I had been at work and I had the worst headache ive ever had, It was so persistent and I was taking lots of time off work, when I went to the GP I was offered antidepressants and was told I was indeed suffering with depression, I didn’t take the meds, my own choice, after my third or fourth visit a GP decided to send me for an MRI and do some blood tests, I had a call two days later to say the thyroid test they had done was severely low and I would need to start medication immediately, No other information regarding my underactive thyroid was given to me at that time, the GP said I would be feeling like the walking dead, she wasnt far wrong, I was also refered for counselling after a brief chat about my past.

I’m not saying for a minute that I think there is anything wrong in taking antidepressants,  for some people I know they are heaven-sent, for others I know they have stripped them of their feelings and personality, I also know I have a very addictive personality, if I put my mind to something I will do it 100%, if I had a drink I would drink till I was wasted (when I was a lot younger) if I decided I wanted to buy a dress I would buy 10, I just can’t stop, so I felt it may be better to not start them.

So I waited it out, I received my appointment and I went to my first counselling session, I will never forget it, my mum took me, I was anxious, pretty normal for me at the time, oh it was awful, you see I have stuff locked up that just can not be released, I don’t want it to come out, it’s not that it is eating me up but it hurts, it makes me feel vulnerable and I have built my wall so high that even a bulldozer isn’t getting through that.

The councillor wanted to have a look behind my wall, even writing this now makes me feel sick, she was a lovely lady and I know now that it’s so much worse when you start any sort of therapy but back then she was not getting near my wall… no bloody way.

So it didn’t go well and after a few sessions I couldn’t do it anymore but I felt better anyway so it’s all good, or so I thought.

I carry on with my life, I now have 2 failed marriages and two little ones under my belt, all my baggage being thrown over my lovely wall, it’s all good I’m coping and everyone can see that, I mean I’m fun and I laugh in all the right places and it all looks like its going good for me.

I then met Jules, we had Freya and we had love, love like I have never felt before, he is supportive and caring but even he found the wall unbreakable, I don’t think I realised what I was doing, it’s so much easier to block it all away, I am a glass half empty girl, If something is going to go wrong I almost make it happen, dont get me wrong I am amazing in a crisis, I have attended two attempted suicides, I have resuscitate someone until paramedics arrive and stayed calm and got on with the job in hand, after, I struggle to come to terms with things, my mind goes into overdrive and I wont sleep and I will worry.

Whilst I was with Jules he was made redundant, we were on holiday, he had a call and he said I have lost my job, we shit ourselves, between us we had four children now, on that same holiday I had my very first heart palpitation, I can feel it now, sheer panic through my whole body, they continued, when we got home I went to the GP, I was sent for tests and all was good, I have Ectopic heart beats, for some people they wouldn’t notice them but I’m in tune with my body so much that I really feel them,  completely normal but also terrifying, they are of course exacerbated by stress,  so I was handed another prescription, that I didn’t take and back on the waiting list but this time for CBT.

CBT for me (not for everyone I’m sure) was like a breath of fresh air, it is all about looking forward thank the lord because behind me is a bloody great big wall, it was great, I learnt so much, of course I had to let the therapist over the wall a little bit but not for long and just so that we could move even further forward, I had a good relationship with the therapist, I am an open person and in the right environment I will let the wall down, after 12 weeks I felt good again, Jules says when I’m in the middle of an episode Its like someone has sucked the life out of me, I don’t laugh and I can’t concentrate and sat here now my eyes are filling up with the pain it causes me, I cancel appointments and I miss parties and important functions, we have even missed holidays, the guilt it causes is just the worst, gradually over the 12 weeks I could feel myself getting better, I started to go out and laugh and just enjoy life again.

Since then I’m afraid that stress doesn’t sit well with me, I have lost and left jobs with sickness, I laugh when people take the piss out of the fact I have had lots of jobs, the reason I leave is never the one I have told them, it’s usually because I’m having an episode and I can’t cope, any sort of stress and I want to put the running shoes on and get the hell out of there, I have met so many lovely people at work, im friends with lots of them still to this day, I am a rubbish friend, I don’t see people as often as I should, it doesn’t mean I dont want to it’s just that my mind health seems to stop me doing the social stuff, not always but more than I would like.

Since my first bout of CBT I have hit many stumbles, life has a way of reminding you that it’s not all sunshine and roses, so I have tried hypnotherapy, again tough, the wall needed to be knocked down and I didn’t give it enough of a chance I don’t think, I tried counselling again, and again it was not for me.

So when I felt the blanket of doom coming over me again last year I left my job, not wanting to change a habit of a lifetime, only joking, I did leave but only to help with the business, I went to the GP for my blood test, not a shock to me, my thyroid was at its worst ever, so my meds were upped and I began my journey to self-care, im almost sure that my thyroid is a lot more of a problem than the GP will say or know, I also think when im not looking after my self-care my thyroid seems to react and kick me up the arse.

I’m just about to finish my last bout of CBT, I feel like this time I have learnt a lot more, I really like my therapist, she is kind and caring and she gets me on a level that no other one has, she encouraged me to do these  blogs when I put it down as one of the things I want to achieve, I joined a yoga group, I’m not there right now as I have had a lot on but I do yoga as much as I can, I started to write a positive planner, things I’m grateful for, positives for the day, I don’t drink alcohol I haven’t had an alcoholic drink for 13 years now, I try my best to eat relatively healthy and at the moment due to IBS I don’t have gluten, I have done all this with the help of a nutritionist, I try to meditate every morning, I walk every day if I can, I take magnesium before bed,  unfortunately as I have said before I have an addictive personality so these things can become things I have to do or I worry that I will feel unwell again, it also makes me very boring, well boring to some, I don’t want to be out till 2am eating some dodgy kebab, equally if that’s your thing go for it.

I still have days, I still struggle with change, when I’m going on holiday I get anxious and I worry, I constantly worry about my children and my husband, I have lots of nightmares, when any kind of stress happens I worry to the point I can’t sleep and I get the most awful tummy problems, I know now that I need routine, I need to get up early, I need to meditate, I need to walk I need to eat good food that helps my tummy and my mind, I need to keep going out because my home is my sanctuary a place that when I’m low I don’t want to leave.

I suppose that my mind health proves that even when all is good, I have a great husband and family, I have healthy happy kids, I have a good life, a job I love a business we are having fun building, none of that matters, anxiety and depression will take hold of the strongest and weakest people, the happy and the sad, what you see on the outside doesn’t always reflect the inside, I now realise that your past is never really in the past, its just behind that wall waiting to catch you at your lowest point.

Self care has been my focus this time, we have a child with learning difficulties and OCD, we have two children with anxiety,  we have a new business, but if I don’t take care of me I will be no good to anyone else, I’m a yes person, I hate to let anyone down, I don’t like to upset people, I want people to like me,  but I have to say NO to people now, it will and does shock but I need to think about me, I need to take time to have bubble baths and pamper myself, I need to exercise and eat well, I need to keep on top of my thyroid health, I need to look after me before I look after anyone else, this doesn’t come naturally to some, at first I felt like I was being selfish, now I know it’s not selfish, its hugely important to mind health, I will talk to anyone about it, I’m not scared to say I have had and still have mental illness, we all need to talk, to help each other to recognise the symptoms of our own mind health.

We need to not be afraid to try several different therapies until we find the ones that suit us, we need to not be afraid to say NO, to say actually I need to stay in tonight and look after me or the opposite, I need to go out and breath in the fresh air, you are important.

I have a couple of book recommendations for you to try:

• Self-care for the real world
• Notes on a nervous planet
• Rewire your anxious brain

 

Shelley xx