The thoughts inside my head

It struck me recently how we think and feel about ourselves and the impact that has on our mind health, you know the little thoughts that go round and round in your head, mine can be very negative, as a child I remember being positive about my body, the way I looked, I don’t really remember being particularly angry or scared, I would go as far to say up until my 30s I was pretty confident.

I’m not sure what changed, my body shape defiantly changed, along with that my mindset changed too, after I had Freya and struggled with weight gain, when I look in the mirror I don’t like what I see, in fact sometimes it brings me to tears, I’m not hugely overweight, according to the GP I am obese but then I would have thought if that’s the case so is over half the population, I have had a slightly unhealthy obsession with scales, I know I shouldn’t let them determine my happiness but I feel better when I’m lighter.

I work super hard on that, I eat well and I exercise, even with painful hips, but I’m beginning to realise that isn’t enough, my mind sits in the dump, I’m chucking such awful thoughts at myself, I’ve never been one to compare myself to anyone else but to be fair with social media so prevalent in our lives it is so hard not too, I try to follow inspirational people, people who will make me feel good or inspire me to be better but they seem to let you down sometimes too, I mean what the fuck is skinny coffee, why do they end up falling on the getting paid to sell shit train, health itself has become a huge seller, I think that’s a great asset but it puts pressure on people, first of all you have to sift through the scare mongering, honestly I’m sure if we listened to all the crap published we would live on air.

I have daughters, I try my hardest for them to not see this self-hatred but there not daft, stress is my main culprit, we have had a few stresses this month, in fact late September and October so far has been shocking, lots of issues I have no control over and I find that so hard, I’ve seen family and friends cry and in pain and I can’t do a thing, I realise that is my trigger point and when I start to beat myself up.

When people say you need to think more positively I want to punch them in the chops, I’m angry, angry with myself, angry with others, I’m devastated, devastated I can’t help my loved ones, I don’t understand why life is so cruel and so hard, I want to scream and I desperately want to get off this ride, I’m jealous and envious and feel let down, I don’t feel like I deserve this, I don’t deserve to feel or think this way, but they are my thoughts, yes there are lots of things I can’t control whirling around in my life, in all our lives but there are lots of good things too, I just find it hard to see the light through the dark sometimes.

Wow that was harsh hey, but it’s all true, don’t get me wrong if you saw me unless you knew me very well you would have no idea, also I know I will be fine, I know that what will be will be, I know what I need to do, I know that the negative thoughts or the third person as my hubby calls it will leave, I just sometimes wonder why it flares its ugly head, its like punishment and if that’s the case I was for sure a serial killer in a previous life.

I think I need to say that its ok, its ok to feel all these feelings, lets face it its super hard to control, once our mind is on the negative journey it is so hard to stop, but its ok to feel anger, to feel sad or to cry, its ok to want to scream and if you can do that then do it, try not to get arrested.

I’m so good at compliments for others, so good at cuddles when people are low, I’m good with advice when other people’s minds are in turmoil, so good at helping others fulfil their dreams and aspirations, not so good at my own.

So how am I going to help myself, how am I going to knock out the third person in our relationship, it has severely out stayed its welcome, I feel I have to love myself, I need to learn this, I know I’m loved, I have amazing parents, who I know adore me, I have a gorgeous hubby who loves me, my kids are adorable and my grand babies love nanny, well only when there is food involved,  but I need to love me, I need to give myself a break.

If my body portrayed the bashing I give it I would be so badly bruised, but mine is on the inside, inside my body as I’ve mentioned in my previous blog is dark and cold and rotten at the core, not always but some of the time, the pressure I put on myself is immense, it means I always feel I have let people down, I always feel like I’m not good enough, that I haven’t achieved enough, I haven’t earned enough, I don’t look good enough, I am not a good mum, I’m not a good enough wife, it’s all utter shit, my thoughts have stopped me from fulfilling my dreams, I’m always so scared that I won’t achieve something so I don’t even try.

Gosh this is so negative, I’m sorry but I have to get it out, I have spoken to lots of people lately who I know feel some, all or more of these things, it has no preference in sex, sexuality or religion, if your mind wants to give you a beating it will, I have just told someone I know not to bottle up their feelings, to let them out, to give themselves a break, I have supported my husband and my children in fulfilling  their dreams, in the mean time I wait for mine, too scared to rock the emotional boat I’m always on, to scared I will fail and look like a knob.

The whole reason I started blogging was that I had an urge to find out what this mum will do next, now that my children are grown and I have more time on my hands.

We have started a new business and I love working with my husband, and my youngest still needs me, but I have some serious work to do on myself, I know that now, I know that I can’t continue to feel these awful feelings about myself, so I will make a plan, I will write in a note-book because I love a notebook, I will be kind to myself, again I  have mentioned about self-care, something that is becoming more natural for me, it’s a form of kindness to yourself, I will make myself proud and in turn will make my loved ones proud too, I long to help people and so I will, I long to write and so I will.

26 years of supporting others is a long time, I have really enjoyed it but it has left me a little lost, time to find myself, I’m not a natural at anything, I’m not artistic or creative generally, so what ever I decide to do won’t be familiar, I know when i put my mind to something I can achieve.

Watch out third person, your days are numbered.

If anyone has any suggestions lets share them, if anyone is feeling lost maybe two people lost is better than one, lets talk, lets help each other, I’m not afraid of mind health, I’m afraid I won’t give all that I have to give and I will waste my opportunities through fear of failure, so yes this will be scary and if you’re scared I get it, but even writing this blog has helped, so lets talk

Bring it on.