Fight or Flight

Fight or flight A natural response to danger, or in my case A night out, or any arranged activity.

Anxiety in all its glory has changed my life and lifestyle, I can’t remember the last time I went out without scrutinising and worrying about every detail, If we are going out for a meal I need to be home early, don’t even ask me why, I would and always do enjoy brunch or lunch at a push, then I know I will be home nice and early.

I can’t really remember when it all began, I also think that some days weeks or months are better than others, this time of year is particularly bad, the run up to Christmas, I try to get everything done early so I don’t worry so much but there are so many events and birthdays too including mine, that I get a little overwhelmed and then my anxiety kicks into overdrive.

After lots of CBT therapy sessions I think we came to the conclusion that my issue stems from a few things.

I am scared of the dark (this may sound funny but I genuinely am scared of the dark and being out late scares me even more as its dark)
My fear of failure and letting people down (cancel now, then if I cant make it I have told them in enough time)
Not being able to get home (my home is my safe place so I need to be able to have a route home)
After my heart palpitations started I would and still get a lot of them during/after food and if I eat out at night they tend to be worse
The build up to going anywhere is traumatic for me, I worry and over worry
After a very bad bout of labyrinthitis I was left with the wobbles for quite some time and this was always worse at night

Mostly I now realise that my anxieties are driven by the flight or fight response and my flight far out ways my fight.

I’ve never been a fighter anyway, although it’s in my blood (boxing that is) the easiest response is to flight.

It makes such perfect sense, our minds feel threatened and the easiest option is to cancel or to not arrange at all, the consequence is you never get to experience what it would be like, if you could in fact have a great time, if you could in fact dance the night away with friends, or eat a lovley meal out.

I have cancelled so many things, holidays, meals out, trips to name a few, the worst feeling is the feeling of letting people down, the sigh’s when you say you can’t make it, the non understanding from people, the “you only live once comments” I fucking well know I will only live once I’m pretty intelligent, it doesn’t help, it makes it worse, it makes me back off, retreat and feel like shit.

People stop inviting you, or they say well I knew you wouldn’t want to come and as much as I understand it hurts badly, you see people with anxiety are human, they feel the same emotions or have heightened emotions as people without anxiety.

I’m so so lucky I know my capabilities at the moment, my family and friends are very aware of them, I do brunch ALOT, I have a take away with friends at theirs or at our’s every month, I go out in the evening with my girlfriends occasionally and we go to the same place and I’m comfy with them in that surrounding, we meet with friends for lunch and have people over to ours and we cook etc, I visit family and have lunch out, honestly this is progress, there was a time i didn’t leave the house.

I’m still in the process of healing, I feel envious of people who don’t worry, or appear not to, I want to be successful, I want to and envisage my families face when I succeed, Im telling you they are bloody gobsmacked.

This sodding anxiety is holding me back but will I sit on my fluffy cloud and regret? not a chance, I have been fortunate, I am grateful and I am healing and will continue to heal, I am helping others I hope by writing about my anxiety.

So come to think of it I’m constantly fighting, there are some things I cant run from, and sometimes contrary to belief I do have a good time, who would have thought you can have a good time without getting wasted and be home in my P.J’s with a cuppa in hand by 9pm, good on you I say if getting wasted and coming in at 3pm is your thing (Jules) each to their own, I’m just not going to beat myself up for not wanting to do that, I’m going to accept that we all have our thing and life is short and we do only have one but do what the fuck you want with it.