Lifes Hurdles

I’m so sorry I have been so quiet, amongst other things in the last few months we have lost a very good friend to cancer and also our dog, it hit me like a thump in the chest, my friend had been diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago, I won’t go into details but it shouldn’t have ended the way it did, she was a huge part of my life, we met at work, she was my supervisor, she took me under her wing, made me part of her family, she was a tough cookie, one of those people who didn’t take any shit.

From the first day we met we hit it off, she interviewed me for the job, we then realised we lived close to each other and had many mutual friends, it truly is a small world. She even flew out to Ibiza for our wedding with her daughter.

The day she told me about her cancer I will never forget, we went to the harvester for lunch, she adored the ice cream there and always laughed at what I was eating, I was always cautious about eating certain foods, she would often say how she couldn’t understand how I wasn’t a size 8, she didn’t give a toss what she ate and looked amazing for it.

Anyway she told me that she had cancer and I cried like a baby in the middle of the restaurant, she found this highly amusing and took great pleasure in telling me that she knew I would cry, I’m such a twat, she was so together.

She put up an amazing fight, sometimes not telling me what was going on due to knowing I would be upset, she never seemed scared, she was so up for the fight, she only once told she was scared which broke my heart, she still worried about others feelings even in her darkest moments, her children were amazing and she passed peacefully in her home with her children around her.

Her passing made me question my whole life, I still don’t feel like I will ever understand it, understand life and what it means, why I’m here, what I’m supposed to do, she loved my blogs and told me to keep them going, she enjoyed reading them and so I will continue, then as we said goodbye to my dear friend and tried to get through Christmas our lovely Fudge became sick.

It’s a dog I hear you say, but unless you met her you have no idea, she was a boxer, brindle, with the saddest face, she was our best friend, all of the family loved her, Freya was 3 years old when we picked her up from a lovely family at the barracks in Windsor, she was tiny, a proper little shit bag, she chewed and cried and did a runner every two minutes, she drove us wild, then one day she just stopped, she realised where she was better off and she became the best dog in the world.

She slept in Freya’s room for many years, until maybe a year ago when her snoring became unbearable, when Fudge was 7 we found a lump on her neck, we were told it was an aggressive cancer, we decided to not have the op offered after extensive research and I’m so pleased we didn’t, she had a happy fulfilled life, full of her favourite things, walks (on a lead) because she had a thing about squashing any other dog she came into contact with, cheese, she loved cheese, lots of human food and as many cuddle’s as we could all manage.

In her later years myself and Jules started our tattoo business and so we both started working from home, she was in heaven, both her mum and dad at home, the day before her 10th birthday New years eve she became ill, the vets thought it was something she had eaten, but on the 3rd January she took a big turn for the worst and she passed with us both holding her.

The house feels so empty, she had made such an impact on lots of people’s lives, changing the way people felt about dogs, from being scared to loving them.

Freya has also been unwell, she is under investigation which is great because knowledge is power, she is still not settling in school and some days we just feel like she will never get used to the school environment, having anxiety so young must be so painful, I know as an adult it’s up to me to take control of my feelings but for her it must be hard to understand what it all means.

So after this and many other ups and downs that a family have I needed a break, a break from reality/normality, my head felt like it may explode, my heart feels broken and life sucks, cancer sucks, its ripped my dear friend from me and her loving family, our dear Fudge from our home.

The pain of losing my friend and our Fudge will ease, the memory of watching them suffer will fade, I will never forget them, in my head I know they are together, which puts my mind at ease.

Loss is so tough, I had to take some time to get my head around my feelings, whilst I’m in a stressful situation I can cope, in fact I’m pretty good at putting everyone else at ease, as soon as it’s over I am a wreck, then the guilt tripping starts, was I a good enough friend, could I have done more……and on and on, punishing myself for tragedy that i can’t change, then my anxiety symptoms start, mainly heart palpitations, I’m sure due to stomach acid from the shite that I eat  when I’m down and constipation due to anxiety which kicks of my IBS. Then hiding away, not wanting to be with people unless I can and feel comfortable to leave, the vicious cycle starts.

I don’t even notice my self-care slipping, so I have to stop, take some time to reintroduce my self-care routine, I’m not quite there yet, I still have a way to go, I’m walking when I can and now I’m back writing and off loading all my shit into these words on this computer for you all to read.

So I have a plan and a notebook and pen (which you know I love) my plan is this:

• Walking outside in the fresh air
• Eating well (I eat shit when I’m anxious or upset)
• Meditation (every morning)
• Yoga (2 to 3 times a week)
• Take a long bath at least once a week (I will have a shower on the other days)
• Read every night ( I want to have read 12 books by the end of 2019)
• Spend time on my routine ( moisturising, exfoliate etc)
• Try to spend more time with my loved ones ( no pressure on myself)

So this is the plan but am not putting any pressure on at all, I want them to be a natural progression.

My husband told me that 2019 is my year, after spending so many years looking after others its time to do something for myself, I am so fortunate, I work from home, I can go out for a walk when ever I want, I can cook and eat good food that nourishes my body, I work with my best friend, So I’m off on a little journey, excuse the cheese, I’m not of to a yoga retreat in India, so disappointing but I’m on a journey living with anxiety, heart palpitations, thyroid issues and IBS, there will be many bumps in the road, that’s life, lets see how I can get around those, I will take you with me on my journey of self discovery, my journey learning to be me, learning the real purpose of this blog WHATS NEXT MUM.